I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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