dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
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my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
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How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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