My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
