just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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