Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
