I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
