Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
