I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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