Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
