i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
