I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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