she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
