I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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