True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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