There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
