I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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