just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
