I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
