bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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