She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
