Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
