lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
