First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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