Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
