how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i think we sleep fucked last night...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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