omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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