omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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