i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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