Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She just used a chaser for red wine.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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