3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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