If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
