I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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