I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
