Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
