If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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