how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
