Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
