The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
