Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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