The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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