Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
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stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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