Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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