So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
