just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
