Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
