Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
