Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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