Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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