I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
