My pussy is not your playground.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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