He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
