What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I need to calm my uterus...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
