I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
