Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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