He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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