i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
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There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
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Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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